CHURCH BELLS RING
ALARM BEEPS
RADIO ON
BEEPING
THRASH METAL PLAYS
(Man) Tony!
Tony!
For Christ's sake, Tony!
Tony!
- Sorry! The voIume's bust again! - Turn it down!
- I'm trying! - Every fucking morning!
Why don't you just get the sodding thing fixed?!
AII right. AII right.
- PuII the pIug out! - What?
PuII the fucking pIug out, you twat!
Jesus Christ, Tony!
PuII the pIug out, you piIIock!
Tony!
MUSIC CONTINUES
Oh, shit!
MUSIC STOPS
DOOR HANDLE RATTLES
(Man) Bugger!
KNOCK AT DOOR
- How Iong you gonna be in there? - Not Iong now.
Oh, fucking, boIIocking, twat, fuck.
How come I'm never aIIowed to use my own sodding bathroom?!
Oh, Jesus wept.
SPITS
Hey, sweetheart, do you want some eggs?
No, thanks.
Effy's having some. She didn't sIeep too weII.
(Man) Get out of the bathroom.
I need a piss!
Tony! He won't even answer me.
I mean, what's he doing up there?
Perming his fucking pubes or something? Anthea, what is he doing?!
I think that Iock's messed up again.
I put the driII under the sink.
You take me for a compIete James BIunt, don't you?
- Do you want an egg? - I want a fucking piss.
Jim, I was wondering, do you have to swear aII the time?
Sodding, fucking, boIIocky shit, wank. Where is the twat?
DRILL WHIRS
(Jim) Every fucking morning!
RINGING
MOBILE BUZZES
Fuck off.
- Wake up, Sid, you twat. - 'I'm asIeep.'
No, you're not.
'Or just too bored to speak to you, so Ieave a message.'
You're a Iazy turd, Sid. We have pIans, remember?
Concerning your cock. Ring me.
RINGING
'Waaaagh! Got you! I'm not here, you wankers. Leave a message.'
Jesus, dozy fuckers.
MOBILE RINGS
Tony? What?
- JaI, can you nip round and wake Sid up? - Nip round? He Iives haIf a miIe away.
- Just nip round and quickIy give him a... - 'I'm trying to fucking practice here.'
'I've got another caII. Stay on the Iine.'
Jesus.
Hi, Nips.
'Stop caIIing me, Nips.'
'It's a funny name.
'I've seen a few nippIes, Nips, and yours are fucking hiIarious.'
My nippIes are not funny, OK?
'That's your opinion. Anyway, you said you'd heIp out with Sid today?'
What?!
With Sid. The virgin thing.
You weren't serious?
He's got to pop his cherry and I've nominated you to, you know, heIp out.
God, Tony. Do I have to?
You promised. Hang on, I've got Chris on the Iine. Stay there.
Whatever.
Yeah, man. You rang?
'Where the fuck is everyone? It's nine o'cIock.'
Oh man, I'm in bed.
Can't you go and get Sid?
I can't. I'm busy. Busy-busy, you remember?
Ah, Buck Tooth?
Yo!
Give her a big heIIo from me, yeah?
You aIready did that, didn't ya. It's my turn now. AII right, Iaters.
Anyway, it's not that much to ask, Nips.
Sid's aImost 1 7. He's gotta get Iaid
before his birthday otherwise he can't be my friend, obviousIy.
- What the fuck are you taIking about?! - Sorry, JaI. Wrong caII. Can you hoId?
- No. - Perhaps you couId heIp out with Sid's cherry.
'I don't think so! You need someone deaf, bIind and stupid for that.'
- That's unkind. - Bye, Tony.
Wanna come to a party?
'Goodbye, Tony. And stop caIIing MicheIIe Nips.'
It's a funny name. She's got a funny nippIe...
'You stiII there?'
- AII right. - 'Huh?'
I'II heIp Sid if he's so desperate.
'Safe. We'II do it at the party tonight, yeah.
'Meet us in the cafe so we can pIan.'
I have to pIan?
- Oh, yes. Later, Nips. - 'I said don't caII me... !'
They're fine!
MOBILE RINGS
I can't taIk right now. Ooow!
Cheers, Tony.
Tony?
- HeIIo, Mr Jenkins. It's Tony. - 'Hi, Tony. What can we do for you?'
We're a IittIe worried about Sid. He's got a socioIogy test in ten minutes and, er...
'What? He's what?'
(Man) Wake up you Iazy, bone-idIe, IittIe fucker!
Ah.
Up! You compIete and totaI fucking sodding waste of fucking space!
What?
(Tony) 'Cafe now! We've got things to taIk about.'
Like what?
- Virgins. - 'Huh?'
Virgins. Virginity.
Whose?
Yours, you anus.
- I'm Iistening. - 'Hang on.'
Tony?
Cheers, Tone. My uncIe wants to stone me to death now.
- 'No, he doesn't. Your uncIe's IoveIy.' - What was it?
Party tonight. Sid's getting de-cherried.
Chris promised Maxxie we're gonna go to his big gay night out.
Is Chris gay?
- No. - Are you gay?
No. But Maxxie says there's gonna be Iots of hot women there...
..desperate because there's nobody to shag - except for me and Chris.
Anwar, you dippy twat. Sid's fIying soIo down the tunneI of Iove
and he needs support, yeah?
CouId we watch?
Oh, Jesus!
PHONE RINGS
Yup.
Hey, Maxxie. We need you tonight.
Sorry, Bruv. Big, gay night out. Me and the Iads.
The Iads?
Yeah. I'm going to take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.
'Fuck that! Look, Max - for Christ sakes!'
Can you stop fucking tap dancing? I can't hear myseIf think.
Sorry, Tone. Gotta get these moves. You know - for the show.
Do they have tap dancing in Death Of A SaIesman?
It needs a number. I've aIways said that.
'Anyway, meet me on the green before psychoIogy.'
Got ya.
God, I'm good.
Sid.
Sid, you stiII there?
- Sid! - Er, yeah?
A personaI briefing is essentiaI. Cafe, 20 minutes.
'Tonight, Sidney my Cherry o' Baby,'
you present Mr Happy with the keys to the Furry City.
Tonight, Mr Happy.
The Furry City.
BELCHES
I'm crap in the mornings.
You're aIways crap. No exercise, rubbish food and too much caffeine.
Fuck off.
I didn't have a socioIogy test, did I?
No.
Fucker.
This better be good.
Trust me. Tonight we go to a party and you finaIIy pop the cherry.
You finaIIy get the VIP tour of NetherIand. You finaIIy...
Fuck off! ''FinaIIy''.
It's embarrassing.
It's common and quite normaI for someone of 16 to...
No. It's embarrassing, Sid.
Shit.
AII right. How?
We go to the party and we get a girI catastrophicaIIy spIiffed up.
In her confused state, she comes to beIieve, however momentariIy,
that you're attractive enough to shag.
- Who's the Iucky girI, then? - I think you're gonna Iike this.
Oh, yes. You are a very, very Iucky IittIe boy.
MicheIIe?
I'm gonna do it with MicheIIe?
- Hang on, Sid. - I'm gonna dock the ferry with MicheIIe.
Cheers, Tony. You don't know what...
Hi.
..what this means.
Are we getting me Iaid or shaII I just start fiIming and take it back for private time?
AII right. Who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?
Cassie.
She's stiII in hospitaI.
They Iet her out. She's just not aIIowed to handIe knives.
AII right. She'II do.
We're gonna need a Iot of drugs.
Get an ounce. We can seII it at the party.
I've got to get an ounce of spIiff?
There's this guy who'II seII on tick. TeII him we'II pay tomorrow.
But why don't you go?
Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychoIogy.
Cassie's great in the sack.
As Iong as she's not hungry.
Who says?
(Both) Everyone.
OK, fuck it. What's this guy's name?
It's aII on there.
That's this guy's name? Mad Twatter?
Is that waking up your chi, Karate Kid?
PIANO PLAYS
That was IoveIy, Anthony. ReaIIy, quite IoveIy.
Thanks.
I'm sure we'd Iove to have you in the chamber choir.
Looking forward to it.
- Hi. - Hi.
My frands think you're reaIIy cooI, yah?
- Your... sorry? - My frands.
Are you stiII coming to my party tonight? It'd be safe if you did.
Bring some frands. My parents are in CIoisters.
We're just going to go wiId on drum'n'bass.
Sounds great.
After 8.30 because Miriam has to get back from her ceIIo recitaI.
- No probIem. - Bring some frands.
PHONE RINGS
I absoIuteIy wiII. Gotta dash. See you Iater.
Did you find Cassie? She's coming, right?
Christ's sakes, MicheIIe!
TeII her we've got spIiff and aII the Cheesy Wotsits she can eat.
I'm going to psychoIogy. I'II come and do you with the magic motor.
You got new batteries?
Nice. Warm it up for Super FIy.
You! You, boy.
What's your business in here?!
- Interview. - I doubt that.
This is an aII-girI schooI. Where shouId you be, boy?
I'm at Roundview CoIIege.
And you think you can just waIk in here and accost Iadies, do you?
I was auditioning for the City Chamber Choir,
responding to a perceived need for more maIe parts, man.
My name is Mr Griffiths and I'm the head of French here and addressed as ''Sir''.
Do they even teach you French in that technicaI coIIege you attend?
They do.
And what do you caII your French teacher?
Pierre.
You! Come here! I want to know your name. Come here!
I'm taIking to you. I'II report you to your coIIege, you common oik!
Hey, it's me. Yeah, did you find it?
I think so.
I dunno, Tone.
TotaIIy fucking weird, OK?
'I don't care if it Iooks weird, Sid. Get on with it!'
AII right.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
I toId you, Tony. I'm fucking doing it.
Oh!
Are you my 2.30?
- 'Sid.' - Hi, Mum.
- You here to see AIicia? - I'II ring you back?
Come in, for Christ's sakes.
- 'Where are you?' - CoIIege.
The neighbours are bitching with the cameras.
I gotta go. I'm not taIking to anybody.
I've got to go.
AIicia?
I'm going to French. I'II taIk to you Iater.
LittIe geek guy here! Is he yours?
Hi.
You here for a threesome?
Big Issue?
- Get a fucking job, Kenny. - Fuck you.
- How was the hoIiday? - Shit. FaIiraki's gone downhiII.
Crap hoteI. Four stars means nothing now. Fucking nothing.
See ya.
Big Issue, Iove?
(GirI) Here he comes, cock of the year.
(Boy) So who's gonna teII him we can't go to the party?
Shut up. Here he comes.
What you been doing in PoshviIIe Towers, eh?
Broadening my horizons.
Those girIs do not do fickety fick with town scum Iike you.
It doesn't matter what you can do with your muscIes.
I say this worId extends way beyond this fieId of dreams. And I want to see that worId.
What the fuck's he on about?
He's quoting. It's a Iiterary reference.
What? You mean Shakespeare and shit?
Dawson's Creek.
I don't know what that is, but if you guys want to waste your Iife watching teIevision...
- You don't watch teIevision, Chris? - No, I don't watch teIevision, you braindeads.
Can you not think of anything better to entertain yourseIves?
Like?
Like piIIs.
Is that it?
No.
Shagging.
- CuIturaI. - Oh, yeah.
It fucking is cuIturaI.
You're fuII of shit. Nobody's gonna shag you with a cock that tiny.
You shouIdn't have got it out.
It was strip poker, what do you want me to do?
You weren't even pIaying! You shouIdn't have got it out, Chris.
Just because you Iot are such a bunch of pussies.
Enough of that. Gotta go because we got psychoIogy. We don't want to miss Angie.
You wiII come to this party tonight?
- Aaah, I can't, man. - (GirI) Me neither.
(Max) We toId you! Big gay night out.
We'II have a shed-Ioad of spIiff.
Look, we don't need any. The town's awash.
It's Iike someone pIanted up Lithuania.
Oh, Christ. Sid's scoring an ounce now.
CaII him off, man. You'II be oversuppIied.
Sid?
Answer, you twat!
HUMMING
You wish you could have me back
And be your fool forever...
I got to waIk in on 'em by mistake now.
Do you want a coke or something?
No. Do you think he'II be Iong?
Not once I burst in aII fIummoxed up, he won't.
No, I meant the guy I came to see.
Mad?
Mad. Is that... Is that his reaI name?
Oh, yeah.
RHYTHMIC BANGING ON WALL
You know what, I think I'II come back Iater.
It's fine. Just don't stare. He doesn't Iike peopIe staring.
Right.
He's sensitive, you know.
Just don't stare at it.
At...
At what?
< HeIIo!
< I've unexpectedIy come home earIy by accident!
RHYTHMIC BANGING GETS FASTER
Sid, for Christ's sakes don't buy the dope. Nobody's coming.
We're aborting the mission.
And Sid. Pick up your messages, you absoIute and utter Iower coIon!
SIGHS
RHYTHMIC BANGING AND MOANING
SCREAMING
Oh, fuck this.
You staring at me?
No, not at aII.
So, er, you're Mad?
Yes, I am.
Maddison Twatter...
PhD.
You got a probIem?
No, no, no.
Um, so you're a doctor, then?
Who said?
WeII, the Ph...D thing.
Yeah, yeah, you couId say that. You couId say, um, pretty...huge...
..dick.
LAUGHS MANICALLY
Yeah!
CONTINUES TO LAUGH
Which?
Doctor, Pretty Huge Dick. Which?
Both?
I Iike you. What's up, kid?
I mean, do you wanna...
Do you wanna get Iaid?
Huh? How did you...?
I mean.
No, no. I was, er, Iooking to maybe get some spIiff.
LIGHTER CRACKLES
You being fucking funny?
AbsoIuteIy not.
Show me some money.
Right, weII. That's the thing.
Cos someone said that maybe I couId get the stuff, and pay, Iike...
..Iater?
- Woah. - Oh, fuck!
Credit terms. That's just a whoIe fucking shark attack there, right?
I quite understand. Let's just forget...
No, fuck it. It's your game, if you want to pIay it.
Do you wanna pIay?
Yeah, yeah... Yeah.
Um, how about an ounce of spIiff?
Three ounces it is.
No, no, an ounce...of...spIiff.
Three ounces.
That's three hundred pounds
of easy credit,
so you've got 48 hours to pay me.
SOFA CREAKS, BAGS RUSTLE
Have you got baIIs?
Yeah.
I'm just checking, because
your baIIs are your coIIateraI.
You got me?
Yeah.
After time, deniaI,
anger and bargaining wiII give way to a depression.
In this phase the sense of emotionaI Ioss is ampIified and may seem unbearabIe.
WEEPING
In this phase, the feeIings of Iow seIf-esteem and hopeIessness are common.
But these wiII finaIIy give way, eventuaIIy, to the finaI phase of acceptance...
WEEPING CONTINUES
..an understanding that what has been Iost can never return,
and that Iife can continue aIthough it may be very different.
(Sobbing) Oh, God!
SOBS
And a journey is compIete.
No more sports science teachers, Angie.
SOBS SUBSIDE
I know.
- Hey, it doesn't matter how big his dick is... - Shut it, Chris.
You're aII so IoveIy to me.
I need you...
your coursework in by next week for the deadIine, if that's OK.
It's important for my department score,
you know...
SOBS
I couId say that he touched me up in the shower or something.
CouId you?
- Chris, you idiot! - What? What?
Where the fuck have you been?
Doing What you said. I fucking hope this is stiII on. You got hoId of Cass?
- Yeah, but thing is... - Great. WeII, I got the spIiff.
Didn't you get my messages, you tit?
MOBILE PLAYS WELCOME CHORDS
MESSAGE BEEPS
MORE MESSAGE BEEPS
SIGHS
ProbIem?
MESSAGE BEEPS
PIease!
You OK, Angie? Another day, another doIIar, eh?
Yes.
Can I carry your books?
Um, yes, but you don't have to do it every day, Chris.
I do.
MOBILE RINGS
- I'II get it. - No need...
Angie's phone. ..Stop ringing her, or you'II have me to deaI with.
- Let me have it. - Yep, Chris MiIes here.
Angie's friend.
She's got friends, you know what I'm saying, you tosser.
Right. Yeah, yeah, I'II have the coursework in by Thursday.
Are you saying I can have an extension?
Yeah.
Don't ring her again...beII end!
Sorted him out!
Right.
I'm not sure you're supposed to...
Thanks, Chris.
PIeasure is aII mine, Angie.
ShaII we?
Jesus. Is that it?
Yup. It's AbigaiI's party. And we've got to seII an ounce of dope.
I was meaning to taIk to you...
So we teII them it's Iike, MongoIian HaIIucinogenic or something.
They're aII so dim they might just buy it.
- Yes, but you see, that's the thing. - Tony!
- Hey. - Hey.
Where is everyone?
Not coming. And Sid has to seII or he's in shit with his deaIer.
Hang on. ''My deaIer''?
Anyway, I brought Cassie. Cassie, you remember Sid, right?
Yeah, wow, IoveIy... No. But I Iike that you're funny-Iooking.
That's cute - Iike, wow, man.
- How's the treatment going, Cassie? - Oh, it's cooI.
I wear a white dress and now I can eat yoghurt,
Cup-a-Soup and hazeInuts now.
I'm not sick if they Iet me pIay with the cats.
Yeah, it's Iike...
..hazy days, you know.
WeII, that's encouraging.
Oh, thank you. You're so nice.
Cass, Cass, Cass! Sid's going to be Iooking after you tonight.
Oh, wouId you? Wow!
And Sid's got a whoIe bag of drugs.
Wow!
That's so nice.
And I bet you won't even make me eat anything.
No. No.
Thank you.
Right, great! Let's go in and shift this ounce, then, yeah?
It's three ounces.
I got three ounces.
Hi, Abi.
Tony! LoveIy.
And these must be your frands.
Sorry?
Yeah, this is MicheIIe, Cassie and Sid.
Super.
Wow, you're IoveIy.
Super.
Where's the kitchen? I want to see the kitchen.
It's through there. Come in.
Cheers.
Oh...shoes.
It's just that Mummy had this carpet imported from Iran.
We have to be so, so carefuI with the piIe.
Right, yep, sure.
Sorry.
(Tony) No probIem.
Can I get you some rum punch?
I'm afraid we're getting rather giggIy on it - isn't that safe!
Mmm, we Iove rum punch, don't we, CheIIe?
Super.
Everyone, this is Tony and his frands. Tony, this is Sarah, Josh, Sarah,
Maddie, FeIicia, Hugo, Sebastian, Sarah, Sam and Sarah.
- What was your name again? - Sid.
Sid? Is that PoIish or something?
No, I don't think so.
Danuta's PoIish. Danuta.
She doesn't speak EngIish.
But you can just speak to her in ItaIian or in French.
She Iikes you.
Oh. Cheers.
Abi, I wonder if you and your friends wouId Iike a IittIe something?
Something?
You know, get a bit squiffy.
Oh, ya, that wouId be so safe, you know.
Great, because we've got some reaIIy cooI shit which wouId get you....
- But we can't smoke anything in the hice. - The ''hice''?
Yes, because the siIk waIIpaper's just arrived from Rome, and Mummy's particuIar
about odours, and we simpIy mustn't, or she'II go wiId.
Bummer.
OK, yah. This is MC Hugo on the decks,
and we're going to have a tremendous time, yah?
(AII) Yah!
So Iet's chizzIe on this dizzIe and party down.
RAP MUSIC PLAYS
Isn't that something?
Ghetto-styIee.
Oh, come on, Tony! Isn't this just bitching?
Come on, Tony.
JARS RATTLE AND CLUNK
Hi.
Oh, hi.
This is so, so wicked.
They've got such cooI food. Look at it aII.
Wow.
Right. Are you hungry or something?
Oh, no. You mustn't eat it.
Just...arrange it.
They haven't got it organised properIy at aII.
There.
That's it. Much better.
I don't feeI sick now.
CooI.
So...are you going to fuck me Iater?
Pardon?
You know. Like MicheIIe said.
She said that?
Oh, yes.
Look, I've got aII this fucking weed.
Do you want a spIiff or something?
No.
I can't.
It makes you hungry.
- WeII, I don't mind. - I do.
Sorry.
Oh...
wow.
You can keep me company, yeah?
Yeah.
HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
Jesus.
As big gay nights go...
It's not that big.
I'm sorry, guys. I just wanted to show you my worId, you know.
I'm definiteIy not turning gay.
Me neither. Nope.
It can be a Iot of fun.
We had the PontypooI Mounted PoIice Formation Dance Team in Iast week.
What a bIast!
- WeII, just have to imagine that. - Hey, where you going?
To find that party.
- Nah. - It's posh kids. AII the boys are gay.
Yeah?
Are the girIs gay too?
Look, everyone's gay. Right, Iet's get the fuck out of here.
GIRL SHOUTS
I think we found it.
Bosh!
DoubIe bosh! And it onIy took five hours,
four buses and two bottIes of vodka.
REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS
Man, check this thing out!
- CooI, man. - Yeah!
Ooh, yep.
CareIess.
Hey, Tony...
Tone. Changed our minds, man.
The monkey man's here!
PANTING
Wow!
Oh!
Wow.
This is IoveIy, IoveIy, IoveIy. Wow.
Waoo!
Cassie? You OK?
Get up here.
You've got to, got to bounce. Whoo!
(Abi) Tony, it's too wiId, too wiId.
Take them off, take them off!
OK.
I'm totally wired...
Fuck!
Oh, shit!
It's no good though, Sid. Is it?
What? What is?
You fancy me?
I... Sure, I...
But you reaIIy Iove MicheIIe.
It shows?
Fucking right it shows.
Anyway, she toId me.
She toId you?
Oh, fuck.
She said that Tony doesn't Iove her properIy, but you do,
and it's too fucked up because she totaIIy Ioves him even though
she thinks you're sweet.
Sweet? She thinks I'm sweet.
I'm in so much shit.
No, you're not.
No?
I mean, what wouId you do if...
if everything's so fucked up, and you...
and you just don't know what to do?
I stop eating untiI they take me to hospitaI.
Look at those cIouds.
Wow.
You wanna do it now?
Huh?
I won't mind.
But you'II have to be quick.
Why?
Because...
.. I took a shit Ioad of piIIs.
PiIIs?
What kind of piIIs?
Oh, you know.
PiIIs.
Cassie?
Cassie.
Oh...
Oh, fuck.
You fucking bastard!
Shit! What's wrong with her!
- She's piIIed up, for fuck' sake. - Time to Ieave.
Maxxie, Anwar, come on.
Nice one, Chris.
Good party.
Guys, can we get going? Just in case Cassie's Iike, dying or something.
I normaIIy take her to the city hospitaI.
It's miIes.
I think she Iikes you, Chris.
Safe!
Yes, but OK, we have no bus or taxi, OK! We are stuck, yeah?
We steaI car.
Then make fuck, EngIish boy, yes?
Yes.
Come on, find the fucking hospitaI.
Come on, Tony, we need a doctor.
(Tony) I can't work out the gears.
It's a fucking automatic, Tony.
HORN HONKS
What are you doing?
- Tony! - Stop shouting!
She's stopped breathing.
OK, there it is.
SKIDDING
HORNS BEEP
- OK, quick. Get her inside. - Yeah, but what do we teII them?
I don't know, improvise. Go on, we've got to stash the car.
Come on, what are you waiting for?
Oh, I had such a IoveIy dream...
Wow.
Get it out.
We can at Ieast some spIiffs before you're taken out and deboIIocked.
Oh, nice. Thanks Tone.
ReIax. We'II seII it tomorrow.
Where?
We just wiII.
I Iike the boats. They go pIaces.
Like over the sea and everything.
Are you OK, Anwar?
Shut up. I can't fucking pee if you're Iooking.
You're Iooking, aren't you?
(AII) No.
- Who's got skins? - Er, me. Hang on.
Don't say you haven't got them.
Stop worrying. We've had aII our bad Iuck for today.
You put them in your back pocket.
- When? - Come here.
Hang on. There. Yeah, I got them.
(MicheIIe) Tony! Tony, do something!
Tony!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God!
Tony!
I think that couId have gone a Iot worse, don't you?
The dope's gone.
At Ieast we've got our heaIth.
That's the important thing.
Chicken feet scratch out a beat
While head rolls on the ground
Lookin' for a piece of meat
And sleep in eiderdown
I walked a million miles
I crawled a million more...
For God's sakes,
what are you doing, Miriam?
Why do you have to get up so earIy?
Just getting ready.
Anybody wouId think you wanted the neighbours to see you.
Do you hear me, woman?
Yes, darIing.
Tony.
Yes, Sid.
Chris and that PoIish girI.
They got out of the car at the hospitaI, right?
I mean, they got out before the harbour, yeah?
Yeah.
You stiII a virgin, then?
Yup.